But this morning, the fire was burning from within.

“I saw the building smoking and I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the second plane hit,” he said.

Like the rest of the nation, Smith would have days and weeks ahead discovering the details behind the terror attacks, but at that moment, his concern was for his father who does business in the city. Smith described the melee of emotions that flooded him in that instant.

“I felt everything at once — sadness, anger, desperation … and complete helplessness. That this could happen in the United States in this day and age! I felt violated,” he said.

Although his father was safe, the days following the attacks were marked with confusion and interruption of services as the city struggled to cope with the disaster.

“Bridges and tunnels were shut down, even TV’s and cell-phones went out. The whole city was in shock,” says Smith.
Yet in the months that followed, as the heartbeat of Manhattan started to throb once again, Smith found that coping with the tragedy also forced him to re-examine his life. At 39, it reinforced his desire to go back to school and pursue his interest in graphic arts. However, he could no longer bear to be on the East Coast.

“If it could happen in New York, I felt that there was no place safe. But I had to get out of there, that’s how much of an impact it had on me,” he said.

This semester Smith registered at Santa Monica College. He admits that he hasn’t previously spoken about the event or his feelings to anyone on the West Coast.

“I don’t think people here have forgotten, but I never bring up the conversation. It’s important to try move on,” he concluded.

Another SMC student recounts his experience with visible anguish. Ryan Handt, a New Yorker who has lived in California for only 2 years, had close friends and family living and working in and around the WTC. He lost a number of them that day.

He, too, finds it difficult to talk about.

On the morning of 9/11, a friend called him to tell him to turn on the television.

“I just sat in front of the TV for hours, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I couldn’t believe it, even seeing those planes hitting the towers over and over again. It took hours before I could get in touch with people to find out if they were OK. It was a really tough morning,” he said.

As soon as he could, Handt flew back to New York to be with his family. Many of their long-time friends were firefighters and, in many cases, it took weeks to find out their status.

“It was actually worse waiting, not knowing if they were alive,” said Handt.

He does recall small moments of triumph between the heartache of attending memorial services. Such as discovering that a friend who worked in finance in one of the towers had been uncharacteristically late for work that day and had walked out of the subway to find his tower burning. He’d quickly returned home and was safe.

Unfortunately, another friend who had been hired to do a one-day electrical job on the 94th floor that day, had been on time.

Choked with emotion at reliving the experience, Handt relates his inability to attend classes for months after the event, the way his “insides were shrieking” every time a plane flew overhead, as well as his lingering anger at those who caused all the pain.

“Innocent people, dying for a stupid cause that I can’t understand. I don’t want war to come out of this, but I don’t want any more of my friends to die either,”

As a photo major, the walls of Handt’s room are covered with his artistic works. His pictures of the devastation are notably absent.

“I walked around intending to take photographs once, but I couldn’t bring myself to take more than a couple. I was too in awe of the destruction. They’re still in the camera, undeveloped.”

One photograph of the towers burning, however, hangs in the hallway. His sister took it from her apartment just four blocks away.

“I tried to put it in my room for a while, but I couldn’t bear to look at it all the time,” he says.

“You must understand, when I was young, sitting in the back seat of the car as we’d drive by, I’d always look up trying to see the top of those towers. But now, I drive by and there’s just this empty lot full of dirt. It’s painful,” he says.
Handt will be in his hometown to observe the anniversary, and is thankful that students at SMC are going to observe the day.

He said, “I think a lot of people here don’t feel any connection to what happened and don’t really feel the loss, but young people should remember 9/11. I feel like a piece of me died that day and I like the fact that everyone is doing something for it. For all that those people lost, they deserve one day.”