Anonymous

When I awoke this Easter morning, I knew I wouldn't be at Easter dinner. I couldn't pretend today. You weren't here to tell me how selfish I was. Yet somehow I felt it on my own. You told me you would make my life a "living hell." Well, I am free now, and yes, my life has been a living hell. But I have gone from not wanting to live anymore, attempting it, to now fighting for my life. The only thing you could say was "What do you think people are going to say about me?" And somehow, still, I cared more about you than I did myself. You went behind my back during the most difficult time in my life, and only tried to save your own reputation. The only thing that ever mattered to you. I begged you to leave. So many times. I finally got brave enough to call the police. Well, they made you leave. And now I don't have to look at you
anymore.
But your hatred and your lies hit me in my core, and still I feel your presence. You said "I will find someone new, as quick as I can, to prove that I am not the problem." Well, I saw her Friday night. Was I jealous? No. But I felt her pain as I looked into her vulnerable eyes, for I could see myself in her. For I once was her. I wanted to reach out to her. But I couldn't. So I left feeling guilt and shame for not saying a word. Daily, I hear the echoes of the lies you told. I feel my fear deepen, as though you are still trying to come out the "winner," with no regard for me. And now that I am finally free from you I realize that I am not at all. I protected your lies, your temper, your drinking, and the abuse from others to "protect you." It is now that I have to face what I have done to myself by trying to protect the person I loved. If I had only been able to love myself, as much as I loved you. Maybe things would have been different. But you saw to that too. I can still hear you putting me down. I am left to look at the damage in my house. It hurts to find out that you are saying that I was the one who did it. I can still feel you holding me down, though the bruises are no longer there. I can still hear you yelling and calling me names that no woman should hear. We go to court soon so I can seek a Full Order of Protection. Protection from you. You see, you have threatened my life. You told me you would "get a gun," told me to "watch my back," told me "don't hold your breath, your day will come." I believe you. It is only I that knows you are true to your word when your reputation is at stake. And now it is my job to see that the courts believe me. You threatened to convince people that I was crazy, that I have mental problems. It is called Depression. And yes, maybe I am crazy to have taken this from you for so long. I don't love you anymore. I don't need or want you.