The Path of the EveryDay Heroine

Kathryn Tull

The path of the everyday heroine is the path that every woman born walks - at one time of her life or another. It is the path of the juggler, the magician, the psychic, the nurse. It is the path of bearing the crown of glory of womanhood and the yoke of servitude. It is the path of the savior and the path of the victim. The giver and the taker; the do-er and the done-to. Life-giver and life-sustainer. The path of the everyday heroine is the path of joy and the path of sorrowful confusion. It is the path of the state of being a modern day woman. And it can be the path of learning to create your own empowerment in every step along the way.

Life as a woman today is vastly more complex and demanding than ever before in history. We must play the parts of many different characters. We must dance in step to many different drummers, each representing different factions in our lives that require equal attention. We must preserve our looks, our health, our psyche, our soul, our relationships, our families, our mates, our partners, our friends, our children, our parents, our schools, our communities, our jobs, our bosses, our boss's bosses, our boards of directors, our neighborhood community groups…pant,pant,pant,. You can probably fill in many more…

The path of the everyday heroine is the path that each one of us can learn to walk so that we don't get lost in the shuffle.

We try to navigate our way through the maze of roles and relationships, needs and demands, expectations and desires, that color and shape our every thought and action. We try to be so many things to so many people. And in the process, the person that usually loses out the most is - that's right -the "Me" in each of us.

--Some of the behaviors and situations women may encounter in their every day lives at home, at work, at school, in the community, and in the world at large are actually abusive or may lead to an abusive situation.

--By being able to recognize early warning signs and identify potentially volatile situations, we can protect ourselves from people and behaviors that can cause us harm and impose limitation on our growth and success.

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My credo:

Living authentically, in self-respect first, enables us to do our work, live our purpose, accomplish our desired outcomes, and lead the life of our dreams without losing anything.

Have you ever had the experience of being treated by someone - whether in a relationship, at home, or even at work - in such a manner that you feel very uncomfortable about the interaction? Maybe your head began to ache afterward, or your stomach started to hurt suddenly, or your heart started to pound, or your palms went clammy? These are some of the internally- launched physical warning signs, like an alarm, that you have just been treated abusively. Your body is signaling you even if you don't recognize it overtly.

Recognition

Many years ago, in the earlier stages of the seventeen year relationship I had with my abuser, we were still dating (we hadn't gotten married yet.) There were times he spoke to or about other people in such a vicious or foul manner that I would be nearly sick to my stomach. But I always found a way to excuse his behavior, never believing he would one day turn that behavior toward me. I became very adept at rationalizing his behavior, making excuses for it, not holding him responsible for being the perpetrator of abuse. I was so good at it, that when he was verbally abusive to me, which came not much longer into our relationship, I continued to ignore every single cue my body gave me - including trembling and rashes - that I was being abused.

If you find yourself in a situation where your body responds this way, even though your mind my not acknowledge or recognize that you are being abused, pay attention to these physical cues. This is a very clear sign from your deeper, instinctive self that you are in danger and need to take protective action.

Techniques for Immediate Intervention:

1. Breathe! As ridiculous as that may sound, in a fear-provoking or threatening situation, our breath becomes more shallow and rapid. We may even hold our breath. Consciously make yourself pause, and take a few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. This will accomplish several very important things in just a few seconds:
--it will replenish your brain with oxygen so that you can think more clearly
--it will allow you to take a step or two away and get some physical distance from the other party, even if it's almost unnoticeable to them
--it will give you a moment to assess your immediate situation.

2. Create an immediate boundary. Tell the other party that you need to take a "restroom break". This will buy you some time apart from them to:
--determine your next best step,
--enable you to breathe a little more,
--immediately exit the situation if necessary for your safety.

3. Remove yourself from the presence and reach of the other party as soon as possible. Abusive people are instinctively and purposefully very manipulative. They are often charming, even seductive, and are very successful at turning the tables to make the victim believe that it is their fault, not the abuser's. Don't allow room for this exchange. Remove yourself as soon as possible. Given the opportunity, the abuser will attempt to manipulate you back into a situation in which they are in control.

Techniques for later preventive and proactive intervention:

Years later, after I married my abuser ( not knowing his behavior was abusive and believing he just needed someone to love him enough ) the emotional and verbal abuse became physical. I was completely shocked that he would hit me.
I wanted to believe he would never do it again. I was sure that if I loved him enough, if I was strong enough, I could help him change. I was so ashamed that I had been hit, and that I didn't leave him immediately, that I didn't tell anyone. What would they think of me?

1. Tell someone. Confide in someone. You don't have to face this alone.
Don't keep it to yourself, or hide in shame, or fear. Don't believe someone else's bad behavior is somehow something you deserve. There is no excuse for violence and abuse.

2. Honestly review the behavior that felt fear-provoking or hurtful, and ask yourself these questions:
--Has this happened before with this person?
--Was there alcohol or substance use at the time of the incident?
--Have similar situations occurred with this or other people in your life?
--What are the pros and cons of exiting from the situation ( like a job) or the relationship?
Get someone you trust to review this list with you, for objectivity, support and encouragement. Assess and measure your real-life priorities, both personal and professional.
Change can feel far scarier than staying in the familiar, even when staying means being hurt or abused again. Let others support you.

3. Beware the apology, if one follows. There is a very predictable pattern of behavior to most abusive situations. The actual abusive episode is usually followed by a period of remorse from the abuser. They will appear to feel very contrite, and will be very convincing. Don't buy it.
Get support for yourself to stay strong.

4. Take very good care of yourself physically. When we are facing crisis, our body uses up its stores at a much faster rate than normal. Nutrition, rest and hydration become more important than ever. Drink lots and lots of water. Rest. And even though I may sound like your mother ( and I am a mother - to three!) : eat something!

These simple steps will help you begin to take back your power and regain control. Abuse is insidious, and hides effectively in many situations, like at work, or at school. Bosses may be inappropriately demeaning in the workplace, or teachers in the classroom. Family members may be extremely critical. Intimate partners may be demanding, invasive, possessive.

Listen to your gut. When something someone says or does creates one of the responses mentioned earlier, or a similar reaction that appears " for no reason," - don't ignore it. Abuse doesn't go away. Abusers don't change in a heartbeat - and sometimes they never will change.

Don't take responsibility for someone else's behavior, or for their problems. Their behavior is their business and their responsibility. You don't have to fix them, or heal them, or help them. Fix yourself. Heal yourself. Help yourself.

When you walk the path of everyday heroine, the person you have to be a hero for is You!